A head of blonde hair rests uneasily atop a rumpled lavender pillowcase…something isn’t right.
There is an unexplained sound in the house.
A quiet clinking… and she thinks she is maybe dreaming until she jars fully awake, realizing the sound is real. Having eight children will make you a bit oversensitive in the waking up department. Then her blue eyes open wide, and she still hears it… a tinkling sound, like chimes… glassy, thin, high pitched. She is instantly alert, and sits up. what is that? oh God I hope that’s not an intruder… how do I check on this and not let them know I’m here… what do I do?? Oh wait… that’s probably the kids WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY UP TO NOW?? God, what is it, 5 am? I want coffee…
She stands up and pads quietly down the hall in the early morning darkness as the crystallic tinks grow louder. She descends the stairs slowly and peeks around the corner, and there it is.
3 year old Monica, little hands firmly gripped to the oversized early 70’s dining room chandelier. Swinging for all she’s got, having a blast, entirely unaware that this is #237 on the list of Unacceptable Behaviors. You see a light fixture. SHE saw a jungle gym hanging from the ceiling, an overhead amusement ride waiting to be climbed and swung upon. She cares absolutely not. Wheee!!!
***
Why do we give up the chandelier?
Somewhere along the way, we let others tell us what’s inappropriate, what we “shouldn’t” do.
We let family do it. We let friends do it. We allow societal expectations to do it.
….but honey, I was born to swing from chandeliers. This is who I am. And I’ve been shut down by well-meaning adults, “friends” who weren’t really friends, the Church, and a worthless army of men who didn’t want me going too crazy on the dance floor.
And since when should chandelier-swinging Monica EVER be tied up with anyone who isn’t even brave enough to dance???
I allowed my classmates, then the church, then a whole collection of boring, stodgy non-dancing Dudes to rip out my soul and take away who I am.
Then, I found out how to get it all back.
And NO ONE. NO ONE. is silencing my crazy ass voice, ever again!!
I will NEVER. EVER. allow anyone or anything to take my chandelier-swinging soul again. I’m happy, and wearing my dancing shoes, and am unstoppable.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you you can’t dance. Or do whatever that thing is that is YOU. And if that insignificant other isn’t dancing with you, find someone who will. Yes, it’s that important. When I was deep in the trenches of my time in Dudesville, I kept wondering why dancing in particular seemed like such an important litmus test… why should I care if a guy doesn’t dance? Can’t I just head out to the floor and let him do whatever? But the problem is, there are two types of people, those who sit and watch the people having fun, and those who are ACTUALLY OUT THERE getting in the fray, getting their hands wet and their feet dirty, casting their limbs about with abandon, willing to look ridiculous, having a great time. My personality requires the acceptance of Monica level unbridled enthusiasm, and the chair sitters? Well they have plenty of other chair sitters to sit with, but as for me, I’ll be out on the floor. (I fully understand that this may not be you, and that’s just fine. The whole idea is to be unabashedly true to who YOU are. Dance floor results may vary.)
For me, not dancing was a sign that I had given up on me, on myself, on my goals, dreams and life vision. Here, at the end of my story, you see a woman who has reclaimed her life, and all of those things I had lost.
It wasn’t easy.
It WAS totally worth it!!
And I’m no longer seeking “acceptance”.
Acceptance is bullshit.
I have amazing hand-picked friends who don’t just “accept” me, they appreciate my whole personality. Hand-picking your friends goes wayyy beyond acceptance, and ensures you are decidedly NOT changing who you are for anyone or anything else. I draw into my life those who love who I am and what I do. That’s not acceptance, that’s finding your people, establishing your tribe. It’s on your terms, not anyone else’s.
I have a book, I’ve told my story. I’m launching into a whole new arena in which I can use all that I have become from my experiences. My kids are amazing. I’m still good friends with DX, and we continue to co-parent very effectively. I play in bands or by myself now, free from the church restrictions that had me afraid of doing the wrong thing. I perform with abandon, and if anyone sees me onstage and thinks I’m nuts, well, if they knew the whole story… I was caged up for so much of my life that I can’t help but cut loose and be wild and free every chance I get. It feels amazing to be free, not only from the church, but from the Dudes, from expectations, from the all of it. Life is good. I am incredibly, incredibly grateful for all of it.
I will never be caged again.
And you can find me, dancing, singing,
…and swinging from the chandelier.
Worship Leader Gone Wild 