Epilogue One: Seven Ways to Ruin Your Life

WHEELBARROW RISK LEVEL: ARE YOU SITTING IN THE DIRT?

You wake up in a 1962 double-wide with Mulletdude surrounded by food-smeared paper plates, pizza boxes and Busch Light empties. Surrounding you is a crooked couch bearing a stained slipcover and a throw pillow stating TEAM SAUSAGE, a gang of unruly screaming brats who look nothing like you and a stack of unpaid bills reading FINAL NOTICE… 

How does this happen? And, more importantly, how does one avoid it?

Constant diligence is necessary to maintain possession of your life. There will ALWAYS be someone, or something in your life attempting to creep in and attempt a coup, and once again you find yourself and all your dreams in a wheelbarrow, getting hauled along to someone else’s destination. In the interest of foiling any such attempts and in order to retain the life you’ve finally won back, here’s a list of what can derail you as well as the risk level indicated by the burning wheelbarrows:

1- HUNK/BABE SYNDROME: This is when you see that gorgeous guy with the six pack and the devilish grin (or the boobalicious blue-eyed Pamela Anderson lookalike) and get so caught up in your Harlequin romance fantasy that you forget…their appearance could be concealing a job-free status, six totally undisciplined children and a deranged Rottweiler, or a hidden sociopathy that’s going to turn your life into a six-part Lifetime special. Many severely good-looking guys I met had an equally severe ego problem, complete with a full set of side pieces and a dash of crazy. Beware the extremely good looking, they have often spent ample time polishing the fenders and precious little time doing any of the actual inner work that really matters. Don’t be fooled by a pretty face and forget to check under the hood. And when I say under the hood I mean character… what’s in their head, not in their pants. When tempted by an empty vessel with a hunky appearance, keep in mind… Ted Bundy was hot.

RISK LEVEL… THREE BURNING WHEELBARROWS ***

2- CHAMELEON COMPLEX: Wowiee wow woww is that guy at the Fou Fou Bougie Country Club on Stuffed Wallet Lane ever gorgeous!! I’m going to go to Nieman Marcus to buy up every brand name and doll up like a little Preppy Princess. Then I’ll order a cosmo and sit at the bar waiting for him to notice that I’m a cookie-cutter Country Club girl, perfectly prepared for what I THINK he wants… 

STAAAAHP!!! 

This was my mistake with Prepdude. I have NEVER been a preppy girl, but I knew that’s what he liked, so I killed all the fun. I ditched the wild Monica energy and smartassery, threw out my leather and bought Nieman Marcus clothing that made me want to choke an alligator. I became everything he wanted, and retired my genuine potty-mouth rocker self to the attic to gather dust and make no music at all. It took years to put my real self back together. Please learn from my lost years and don’t hide who you really are. Don’t hide the real you. DON’T HIDE YOUR PERSONALITY for anyone!!! This doesn’t have to be prep style either, you could be getting the whole cowboy-hat-and-boots getup in order to attract Farmerdude. Or have ear gauges and tattoos to entice Punkdude, it really could be anything that isn’t the real you. You need to find YOU and be YOU, whatever that may entail. Authenticity is attractive, and being anything else is essentially a costume and props, which always comes across as a bit circus, and no one wants to be a clown. 

RISK LEVEL: FOUR FLAMING WHEELBARROWS! ****

3: COUPLE CRISIS: “Are you STIIILLLL single?” “ Don’t you want to be with someone?” “Let me introduce you to my brother/friend/coworker/gardener/weirdo who’s been single for a million years and everyone knows why, but let me palm him off on you…” For some goofball reason (misery loves company?), some people just can’t handle seeing you happily single. When this happens, realize this is insecurity on the other person’s part; many are deathly afraid of being alone. But being alone is something to celebrate, you are with the best person, YOU!  Even when in a great relationship, certain magical things only happen alone. Self-development, planning, compass-setting, study, practice, meditation, learning skills, creating art… much of the productivity in our lives is accomplished alone. Michelangelo did most of his work solo, and only you can dream up the masterpiece of your life. Don’t couple up just because some other dork can’t handle being alone. And if you do find a great significant other, continue to be an individual capable of making their own decisions. 

RISK LEVEL: FIVE BURNING WHEELBARROWS *****

4- SIAMESE TWIN SICKNESS: OMG I did it!! I met the perfect partner. I’m ready to spend 100% of my time with him, and abandon all my interests and all my friends to spend 24 hours a day staring into each other’s eyes telling each other how in love we are!! We will do EVERYTHING together!!!

You have a case of the Clingies, and you need to cure it before they RUN. You need to remember they fell in love with a whole and complete you… with your busy life, idiosyncrasies, hobbies, crazy like for old cinema and love for pickles on pizza; all of the uniqueness and busyness that makes you who you are. Too often I see someone pair up and toss all of their cards carelessly on the table, as if it’s not a good idea to hold on to those precious aces. Do not, do not, DO NOT pitch away your busy schedule and all that you are the minute you meet someone. No one likes a lamprey, and they will not feel like themselves if you are stuck to their side, a parasite sucking the very life out of them. Not to mention, of course, this is once again giving up your life. Two strong individuals walking through life together is amazing, two people who ripped themselves apart for each other limping along are just mutants and it will make it difficult for both to reach the finish line. Let them wait, let them be alone sometimes, allow some space to allow both of you to do your own things and you will both be far more excited to see each other and will have something to bring to the table, because you’ve both been busy doing your own shit. 

RISK LEVEL: SIX BURNING WHEELBARROWS ******

5- GURU FEVER: Sales people are everywhere, and if you’re not careful, they can sell you right out of your destiny. You meet someone, and they have a story so convincing or a cause so compelling that you commit to their direction. Before you know it, you are letting go of your dreams to jump on their fancy, perfectly decorated bandwagon, only to discover that the bandwagon was really a dumpster-fire of a wheelbarrow all along, too late to rescue your own abandoned dreams. This is what derailed my life at 20, you really have to watch out when you get caught up in any other person or cause. For me it was being convinced that my husband’s direction, and then the church’s goals were more important than my own carefully honed destination. This could also be something like a drastic relocation, a job change, or just Amway. Make sure your causes are your own, and that you’re not getting caught up in propaganda. 

RISK LEVEL: SEVEN BURNING WHEELBARROWS *******

6- DIRECTION DISORDER: This is when you lose control of the steering wheel. It can be tempting to just drift down the same road most are headed down because, well, it’s easier!! Figuring out your own destination and execution of your own roadmap is much more difficult than wandering aimlessly, but here is where I will call you out to the challenge of RUNNING YOUR OWN DAMN LIFE!!! We are surrounded by those drifting along in rudderless ships, wherever the wind may blow, that’s where they go, no specific direction…could literally wind up anywhere. Which is tragic, because the chances of you winding up on that beautiful Caribbean island with Raul the towel boy serving you fancy umbrella drinks on the white sandy beach are about nil if you never set your direction. DIRECTION IS EVERYTHING when it comes to your life, and I advise that you get the hell out of that dinghy and get yourself a speedboat and some coordinates before you wind up in Antarctica with snow and a few penguins your only companions. Those who never set their direction are hopelessly lost at sea and never make it to any destination at all. 

RISK LEVEL: EIGHT BURNING WHEELBARROWS ********

7: SELF-DOUBT QUICKSAND- The most dangerous of all is doubting yourself and the direction you set for your life. Once you have decided what you want, and have escaped all of the traps I have listed, there is still the one person most likely to derail everything. 

YOU. 

You absolutely HAVE to believe in yourself, this is something no one else can do for you. If you don’t believe in your dream, no one is going to come rescue your life for you. You will just remain stuck… and a person without their own dreams is the easiest to cart away of all. Find your dream and keep your conviction that this is what you are going to do, and push those doubts out of your head!! 

RISK LEVEL – TEN FUCKING AWFUL BURNING WHEELBARROWS!!! **********

So, now that we have gotten the risks out of the way, what’s left to tell?

There is a tiny bit more to the story, and it starts with a time-warping trip back to Tiny Town…