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“In a turnaround church, blood will be shed, and the blood will be yours.” Immortal words of Pastor Real, an omen of troubles yet to come. Right now, it’s time to partayyy!! We have freedom here, sweet, sweet freedom. Pastor Real is not only very creative, and innovative, and a compelling speaker, but he alsoContinue reading “Chapter 18: Goddam Donut”

We are the new toy. This is a church of around 200some, give or take. And we are professional musicians, having already led at several different venues in a multitude of styles. We are wined and dined, Pastor Real definitely wants us leading. As I had noted from the very first time we darkened theContinue reading “Chapter 17: Should’ve Nipped It In the Bud”

It’s all Shelley’s fault. We had sworn up and down after all of the craziness, the moving, the travel, concluded by barely dodging a stint in a Los Angeles homeless shelter, we were done with church leadership. I had gone back to work immediately after the return from L.A., and my son was born shortlyContinue reading “Chapter 16: Dammit, Shelley.”

We are screwed. Writing this chapter, I feel disjointed. Can’t keep thoughts together. The flow is all herky-jerky. And I’m fairly sure that’s not really a term, either. Because life is disjointed right now. Everything is out of place, nothing is working right. Have you ever been in a situation in which everything is fallingContinue reading “Chapter 15: Homeless in Hollywood”

“How greeeeeaaaat is our Goooood. Sing with meeee…” pastor Good dashes up the middle aisle, taps a gentleman on the shoulder and whispers in his ear. The man follows him out the side door “Howw greeeeeat is our Gooooood. And all will seeee….” he dashes in again, tapping a different gentleman on the shoulder andContinue reading “Chapter Fourteen: Thanks a lot, Timothy.”

I watch the second pink line form. You HAVE to be kidding me. I laugh. I cry. Now??!! I hear another car alarm go off, the daily music of Los Angeles. I am pregnant. HOW could this have happened?! I mean, I guess I know, technically, but let’s back up a little. At thirteen myContinue reading “Chapter Thirteen, Seeking Paddle. Location: Shit Creek”

“Whelp… it looks like we aren’t going to be able to pay you as much as we thought.” Oh no. We have uprooted and moved our everything 2000 miles to discover that this Music Ministry position will pay less than half the salary that was promised. Thanks, Church board, you guys are the best. Okay,Continue reading “Chapter Twelve: Bait and Switch”

“It’s HORRIBLE, Monica…just listen.” I am listening to a voice message, one of my very best friends in Tiny Town, and her voice seems uncharacteristically distraught. She has sent me a cassette, and we pop it in, a recording from the church in Tiny Town. I recognize a familiar voice. The voice of my fellowContinue reading “Chapter Eleven: God Says Yoink!”

The pew beneath us is literally shaking. All three of us are attempting the impossible. How in the HELL are we supposed to keep a straight face?! I, DH and his brother sit in a small church in Tiny Town, a burg of about 5000. Not exactly what I had in mind, at least it’sContinue reading “Chapter Ten: Welcome to Tiny Town”

“RIDAMAHONDAINAGADDADAVITASTAYATARAMADATHASSASPICYAMEATABALLA!” pause… pause… line?… line?… “Yea, though you walk through the valley, I am with thee…” yadda yadda; some person in the congregation would interpret the message. I never, for the life of me, could figure out why interpretations were given in archaic and totally irrelevant King James’ English. Welcome to Tongues and Interpretation, justContinue reading “Chapter Nine: Tmhmsdkkhfhakd!”