Chapter 44: Wonder Woman

I stare slack-jawed as the woman lurches across the stage, elbows flapping, BAWK BAWK BAWK… oh my GOD this is actually happening…

Let me backtrack a minute…

I’m doing it.

I’m living in possibility, and it’s a blast.

I said I lost everything, but did I really?

I sit back and assess what I have… I don’t have a house, things that go in a house, a husband, a mom, a church or the friends in it, or a career. These things are gone.

I scrape up everything I still have in a small, but very important pile.

What I do have is myself and everything this crazy life has driven into me, mad hairdresser skills, two amazing children, and a few close friends. I have family, none of them live nearby, but I still have them.

And I have freedom, and opportunity.

I had always lived thinking cool things belonged to other people. Travel, good restaurants, destinations, doing crazy fun things, now I can do them, too.

It starts with a trip to Chicago to see my brother and we talk… what I have been through, what I have lost, what I still possess. It’s my first outing by myself, hey look at me! It’s Monica and I’m driving alone through Chicago! This feels stupidly empowering, and I drink it in. I can drive wherever I want, ha. Seems absurd that this is a big deal to me, but when I was working in ministry I had never had the time or the money. We meet and I unload all that had happened. He tells me to get out there and be the badass he knows I am. No worries, bro, that was already on my agenda. He thinks I will be wayy more successful on the outside. I mean, I am going from working like crazy for little pay to actually getting paid and acknowledged for what I do, and that is a whole new world for me. I am striving to be confident and strong, embracing and amplifying my newly budding boisterous personality like I couldn’t in the church, because that was considered prideful and was promptly judged. No playing meek and discreet proper lady here any more, pal. The chains that once held me back are all gone and I am freeeeee, FREEEEE!!! It is incredibly ironic to me that the freedom I sang about week after week in the church wasn’t discovered until I got up and left. And Guilt Monkey is just a tiny shadow of his former self, I have a whisper of his presence but it’s not overwhelming like before.

I don’t smoke. I didn’t even try to quit, and I can’t remember exactly when, but it’s almost like I forgot i ever smoked at all. The funny thing is, I always felt like a nonsmoker who was smoking, and now that I’m becoming Monica, it just kinda went away. I have no interest in it any longer, and I’m puzzled as to why, and honestly wish I could bottle it up to help others who really struggle with quitting, but I have no answers. Once I moved out, it gradually went away. Smoking is a major inconvenience and I don’t miss it at all. I am too busy building a new life to suck on a cigarette for five minutes.

My next adventure after Chicago finds me at a rather large convention at a hotel, and my teen daughter had her best friend with her, which left me a bit of a fifth wheel to their giggling and rather loud shenanigans. They have costumes, and what the hell, I decide to dress as Wonder Woman. Perfect and poetic. Love it. Red bustier, black extensions, those wrist thingies that deflect bullets, a pair of jeans, golden lariat, red patent leather boots I’m still really mad I got rid of at some point (WHY WOULD I DO THAT??!), and of course, that awesome tiara.

I am Monica. I am killing it at momming, rebuilding my life, and having adventurous new experiences. I am woman, hear me kick ass.

I am at this convention feeling single, strong, empowered. Phoenix Monica stalks around her new territory rather proudly, now that pride is allowed.

The girls have an event, and I am left with nothing to do, which never lasts long in my world. I wander around marveling at how fun it is to be alone at an event like this, and I peruse weapons, try on some cool steampunk corsets, and look at a shit ton of crazy props. Too much fun.

I mosey on past a sign shouting HYPNOTIST COMEDIAN!, 100% of those words are fascinating to me, so I enter and take a seat.

Enter Funnydude.

He monologues a bit, but then it goes from funny to fascinating. He invites oh, maybe twelve or so people onstage, and there they sit in folding chairs. Then he proceeds to place them all in a trance, and there they all slump like ^insert simile here^. He tells one person she is being tickled, and she laaaaaughs on in her chair. He tells another he is an ape, and off he goes doing ape things. And this is where the chicken-lady at the top of the chapter makes her rather awkward debut… this is nuts! And guess what it looks like?

Only in church have I seen this, and a major monkeywrench just got thrown into my thinking. If the power of suggestion is so strong that people can be hypnotized to do all this crazy shit, is it possible that’s what’s going on in the churches where they have people falling down/doing crazy dances/name another wacko thing that goes on in church? It looks shockingly similar! In between wrenching gut pain from laughing so hard, my mind is racing. I am watching groupthink and mob mentality right before my eyes and I am loving it, and I am fascinated, and I MUST TALK TO THIS GUY because this is wayy too close to what I observed in the church.

There is a long line of people waiting to chat with Funnydude, and I wait, my legs bouncing with excitement. The last person finally leaves, I know my question is going to be a Pandora’s box of religion and psychology.

His eyes connect with an impatient Wonder Woman, and I sense he is not going to mind my lengthy question.

He finishes with the last person in line, and turns to … oh, nice blue eyes! Up close I feel a little twinge I haven’t felt… well, ever??

So I start with my questions and theyyyy’re off, Strict Religious Practice tailing Charismatic Wonders with Freaky Church Shit in the lead. Worship Leader Gone Astray and Struck By Lightning come around the bend threatening to overtake Narcissist Pastors and Whiny Church Members… aaannd Yes, I worked in ministry for 23 years and observed things just like this in the church. Yes, there is a connection between the two, Yes, mob mentality takes over, yes, yes, YUSSS! We are flying to the stars with this conversation, too much to talk about, we race through a litany of topics for about twenty minutes and then he suddenly asks…how about I meet with him for a drink later and we can talk some more? What? …Wow. Hey, umm maybe… Wonder Woman blushes in spite of herself and says not sure, but let’s touch base later. Cell numbers exchanged, she exits to her room, figuring this will go nowhere because the girls will want to do something.

Nope, they are exhausted and already in bed, though it’s rather early, they have had a crazy day.

Pause.

Wonder Woman receive a text message.

She replies.

She tells the half asleep girls that Wonder Woman is taking her invisible jet out for a little bit, text if they need anything.

She places the golden tiara boldly on her head, walks out the door, and the hotel room shuts behind with a loud CLICK.